my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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