): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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