he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
