So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
