How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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