The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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