I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
