THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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