so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
even my farts smell like vagina
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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