absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
