The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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