you turned your livingroom into a bong?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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