You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
