Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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