I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
