Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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