singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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