i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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