I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
