i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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