So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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