I seem to have left my pride at pride
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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