I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
