WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
