Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
