I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
