This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
