new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
How's work?
Spinning.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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