You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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