I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
