Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
