So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize