Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
