I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
