oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
should my penis look like a turkey
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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