I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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