Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
