i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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