He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need to calm my uterus...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
