My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
