Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
