Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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