There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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