Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
