It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That accounts for only three of the penises
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
