What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
