we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
whose parrot is this?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
