I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
