bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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