I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
