True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
