Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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