i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
