My first STD was from a foam party
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
