..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
