Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize