I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
