What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize