I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
