The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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