Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Acid is not a monday night drug
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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