Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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