Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize